Sometimes the Stars Do Align

Sometimes the stars do align, if only for a moment. We meet people we’re meant to meet at a time when we need it most. While I’m leery of putting things out to the universe sometimes for fear of them being slapped down before they make it off the ground, efforts made over the last few months seem be to coming to fruition. It’s scary to put it out there, but I’m crossing my fingers that I won’t jinx myself.

With regard to our battle with the school system, we have received confirmation that they’ve finally signed the contract committing to pay the annual tuition ($72,000) at Shane’s school in Tennessee. Although we haven’t gotten reimbursement back yet for the tuition we’ve paid for January and February, we’ve been assured that a purchase order has been submitted and we’ll get a refund soon.

Although Shane continues to struggle, he’s in the best place he’s been mentally (and physically) that he’s been in in a very long time. Change is always difficult for him, but he’s doing much better than anticipated with settling in. On days when we are sad and missing him to the inth degree, we do our best to perform a random act of kindness. We always preface it with our story about Shane and say that when we’re sad, it lifts our hearts to do something nice for someone. We can always tell when someone is hurting. It’s almost always a waitress with her own story that reminds us that things could always be much worse and we are thankful to those who take the time to share…the universe’s way of showing us that people can keep going long after most would’ve given up.

Advocacy and community service are near and dear to my heart. I want everyone to have access to care and an education. I want inclusion and acceptance for those who were born to stand out. Last week, I graduated from the South Carolina Developmental Disabilities Council’s Partners in Policymaking program. In January, I joined this Advisory Board for Best Buddies of North Carolina and I joined the Board of Directors for a charter school being built in our area. Two weeks ago, I was encouraged to apply to be on the Parent Advisory Board for the South Carolina Department of Education. I don’t know how long that process takes, but I would be thrilled to have the opportunity to be on the front lines with the government agency that directly makes decisions for programs benefiting those with disabilities fighting for those who need a Mama Llama in their corner.

After working with Legacy Studios for four seasons, I left last July. In January, I met with the owner who seems to share my enthusiasm for team building, positive changes, project management and genuinely coaching and mentoring others in the industry of school photography. They were kind enough to create a pilot position for me to help implement processes company-wide with the introduction of new software coming up in our busy season for senior photos. I’ve worked really hard to make a difference and to do my best. I’ve taken on the parts of Legacy that I love and I am thrilled with long term plans that have come to light that will eventually land me in my dream position in due time.

Someone once said, “If you don’t ask for something, the answer is always NO.” I never asked before. I thought I could do everything on my own. But, I’m asking now. I’m asking the universe to take care of our boy. I’m asking the universe to watch over our beautiful daughter and her boyfriend as they continue their adventures as traveling nurses. I’m asking the universe to guide me to organizations and positions that will appreciate my passionate pleas for fairness and equality. I’m asking that my husband continues his unwavering support and continues to tell me I’m beautiful everyday. We’re a great team. I’ve told the universe what I’ve always wanted to do professionally and hope that the stars will align to allow me to be successful and to help other grow professionally and personally. I feel worthy, ready and deserving of the next level in all aspects of my life. I’ve put in the work and am ready. Bring it.

These Are My People

It is often said that there’s a master plan for the universe. That things happen for a reason. That you’re given no more than you can handle. That what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. That, eventually, you’ll find your place in the world. And, while there have been many times that I’ve questioned the universe, cursed it for the everlasting pile of crap heaped on those who don’t deserve it, I’ve finally realized that I’m right where I was meant to be all along. Where there was darkness, there is light. And, love, support, friendship, hope.

 

Today marked the completion of a six month program called Partners in Policymaking through the South Carolina Developmental Disabilities Council. During this time, I’ve gotten to know some of the most amazing humans I’ve ever met. Among them, the courageous self-advocates and professionals whose calling is that of saints. And, the moms.

 

Among the self-advocates are the women with beautiful souls inside and out who are learning to fight for themselves and inspire others to do the same. Some calmly and quietly, others out loud. Enjoying life THEIR way. There’s the guy who puts John Deere to shame by taking apart a lawn mower and putting it back together better, faster, sleeker than they ever could. The guy who loves to sing and makes his family so proud. The guy with one of the best laughs I’ve heard. The sweetest girl ever who sang Happy Birthday with more soul than Aretha Franklin. And, the support staff who protectively watch over them with love and kindness, but giving them the freedom to be independent. Rejoicing in their success and sharing tears for their sadness as a parent would.

 

Those who chose to work in the field of advocacy, teaching others how to find their voice, providing support to those who need it are beyond inspiring. They fight for the funding to keep the program going to help so many. All are passionate about the cause and all so very special who have each touched my heart in their own way. There’s one, though, that on the surface looks like she’s given up her life for others. There’s a sense of sadness in her. On the outside, it looks as though she’s done without so she can help others. She’s single with no pets or children. She exudes love, pure yellow. And, when she opens her mouth to speak, we listen. She takes us to church with every single word uttered; spoken with conviction, compassion, empathy, power. The truth of the matter is that while it may appear that she’s done without, she has more than all of us.

 

The moms. Oh, my god. The moms. Astounding, each with their own story of seeing their child (or children) struggle, in pain, ridiculed, crying, fighting. Fighting for inclusion, education amidst bureaucracy, medical care, benefits, friendships, and doing all they can to be the rock for their family while many are broken inside from the constant struggle. Fighting for things most take for granted. Feelings of belonging no where, struggling to find their place when friendships end as they put all of the time and energy into being an advocate for kids who are often so misunderstood. These are my people. The late nights, margaritas, queso, Door Dash, bottles of wine, jewelry, stories, tears, laughter, encouragement, understanding, beauty, determination, love. A sisterhood of women who have probably all wondered how they got to where we are in life, feeling as though they’ve lost themselves somewhere along the way. I know these women. I know who they are, what they’re made of. They are the ones who fight not only for their child and family, but for others like them. They are the ones who don’t just talk about how they wish things were different, they do what needs to be done to make sure things are different. They absolutely have lost themselves along the way. But, what they’ve found, what they’ve become, is something far greater and more beautiful than they ever would’ve been had they not been dealt the hands they hold. And, no matter how the cards continue to be dealt, you’ll never see them fold. Oh, no. Not THESE women.

 

Yes, the universe has a plan. It knows what it’s doing. It knows that you could give these women, men, moms, advocates, self-advocates the crappiest hand in the deck. And, we would know what to do with it to win. It’s in our hearts. Determination. Those who have been hurt the most often have the greatest ability to heal. So grateful to have met my people. This is my purpose. This is my life. These are my people.

 

#pip #partnersinpolicymaking #advocate #disabilities #autism #aintnostopingus #momfia

Everything I Need to Know I Learned From Disney

I’m not gonna lie. Today sucked. We had our first IEP meeting at our local school after the fiasco when they lied, denied and sold their soul to the devil months before at the last IEP meeting. I’m thankful that our attorney was with us and ensured that everything that should’ve been addressed was noted.

As soon as we showed up, the staff that betrayed our trust to the utmost extent acted as if nothing ever happened. The pleasantries began. The district supervisor that was so nasty to the school in Tennessee sat with a sneer on her face next to their attorney. I sat in the chair across the table silently, jaws clenched, Sharpie in hand. My husband said he could tell I was fuming and that I was even writing “angrily.”

“How is Shane doing?” My husband answered them. “Oh! That’s great to hear.” Inside my head, I rolled my eyes and whispered to myself all the things I wanted to say. Do they know that their lack of honesty took years off our lives? Do they realize that their lack of integrity has cost us thousands of dollars we shouldn’t have had to spend? Do they know that their lack of morals is stealing pieces of time from our family we’ll never get back? Furthermore, do they care?

Anyone who knows me understands the colossal feat it took for me to sit with my mouth shut. I’m a fighter. A warrior. A Mama Bear. How did I accomplish this? Disney. Yes, Disney. During the meeting, I replayed pivotal scenes from Disney movies in my mind. Movies that taught me life’s lessons so eloquently that I hadn’t thought of for years.

Thumper-“If you can’t say somthin’ nice, don’t say nuthin’ at all.”

Scar looking in Mufasa’s eyes and indicating that he was going to help only to dig his claws in and let him fall

Pinnochio-“Always let your conscience be your guide.”

Aladdin-“You’re only a fool if you give up.”

Lady and the Tramp-““There’s a great big hunk of world down there with no fence around it.”

Nemo-“Just keep swimming.”

I know it’s a weird coping mechanism, but it’s one that worked for me today as my anxiety was through the roof. And, even as I sit here this evening, my heart breaks that the road we’re on is not one I would’ve chosen or ever envisioned, but it’s what has to be for now.

As we said our goodbyes to Shane after our visit Saturday, I handed him a little box. In it were two action figures, Frodo and Sam. But, more importantly, there was a dog tag necklace with a quote we repeat at the end of every phone call and one that I hope he never forgets…

“Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.”-Winnie the Pooh

Thanks, Disney, for giving me the wisdom, life lessons and the words to convey what my head is saying and my heart is feeling. And, for teaching me everything I need to know.

Hard work pays off.-Princess and the Frog

The System is Failing our Kids

I’ve put off writing about how everything has fallen into place (or not) because I was waiting for it all to, well, fall into place. But, after weeks of going back and forth, we’re still fighting. So, here’s where we are.

For several months, we tried unsuccessfully to get Shane’s bipolar under control to no avail. Having exhausted all local resources, we resorted to finding a residential placement once again to get him stabilized. Just before Thanksgiving, he went to ViewPoint in Utah. Shane’s care at Viewpoint was 100% out of pocket and required payment in advance. It was $37,500 for five weeks of care. Our insurance reimbursed us $9,000 so that left us in the hole $28,500 to get mental health care for our son. With amazing acts of kindness and generosity, a friend set up a GoFundMe that raised $9,000 making it really only $19,500. The team at ViewPoint did an amazing job in a short amount of time with medication and made recommendations for the next step. Shane was able to make it home just in time for Christmas.

We’ve been fighting with our local school district since last August. He started our local school in a contained classroom without the proper accommodations in place that were required by his IEP. They put him in a contained classroom with no 1:1 support, no structure, no visual schedule, no behavioral plan, no calm space, etc. They did not take note of recommendations from Ki Charter where he’d been successful the previous year. They only allowed him to go for 2.5 hours per day and even then called us to come get him and had the police officer intervene when there were behavioral issues. It got to the point where they were only willing to provide him with five hours per week of homebound education. What parent would be willing to accept that for their child’s education?

After many meetings, the local IEP team admitted that they are not equipped to provide Shane with an education due to his learning disabilities and behaviors associated with the combination of his autism diagnosis, ADHD, bipolar and anxiety and recommended residential placement. Federal law dictates that the district pays for 100% of the cost if that’s their recommendation. So, we hired an educational consultant who began scouring the country for programs that would accept him based on his reports and needs. Therapeutic boarding schools range in costs from $75,000-$150,000 per year.

After weeks of applying to various schools, Ashley Barbour at Barbour Consulting found an amazing program near Nashville, Tennessee. Not only is King’s Daughters School a great program for kids with Shane’s profile, but it’s within driving distance from Charlotte and is at the lower end of the amount for annual tuition at $72,000. They even had a spot available for him to start after the winter break. So, we just had to finalize everything locally. We were thrilled!

While Shane was in Utah, in mid-December, we went to our local school for the IEP meeting to finalize his placement in Tennessee as per their recommendation. When we walked in, there were approximately eight people already sitting around the table including a couple we’d never met before. Among them was the district supervisor of Special Education Services. Based on previous conversations, we thought it would just be a simple signing of what we’d all agreed on. They already knew about Tennessee via email correspondence. But, we quickly found out that the local IEP team (that we’d trusted had our best interests at hand) had been coached. The district supervisor first informed us that they would only be willing to pay $32,000/year to King’s Daughters which is the cost of the day program at King’s Daughters. Where was he supposed to live to be able to attend a school six hours away? As the supervisor went around the table, she asked each member of the team what their recommendation was for Shane. The first person to speak was the principal (the one I trusted the most). He said, “I recommend a day educational placement for Shane.” Second person (whom we did not know nor did he know Shane) said, “I recommend a day educational placement for Shane.” Next person was his teacher (whose basic methods did not work with him) said, “I recommend a day educational placement for Shane.” At this point, my usually very patient husband was furious and said, “Stop! It’s obvious you’ve all been coached.” Why? Because if they said only a “day program,” that’s all they have to pay for. But, they’d already said (and written) “residential program” in a previous IEP meeting. They also had said in the same meeting where they recommended a residential program that if they recommended something, they had to pay for it when I voiced concern about it. I was told “not to worry. It was covered.”

Call it a mother’s intuition, but before we went to the meeting with the school that morning, I had contacted an attorney in Lancaster County who works with people with disabilities, Elizabeth Hyatt. I just had a hunch that something was going to happen and that they weren’t going to play by the rules. She gave me some pointers, but more importantly, gave me a copy of 34 CFR Ch. 111 300.302 that says “If residential placement in a public or private program is necessary to provide special education and related services to a child with a disability, the program, including non-medical care and room and board, must be at no cost to the parents of the child.” I printed out a copy of it and highlighted that paragraph. After my husband stopped them, I asked the district supervisor if she was aware of the federal statute dictating special education placement outside of a district. She said, “No.” I said, “Here you go” as I slid the paper across the table to her.

The meeting ended quickly after that. A few choice words were said. Some left. Two members of the IEP team apologized (under their breath). I felt sorry for them. I liked them and I was angry at myself for feeling sorry for them. I can’t imagine ever putting aside my morals and personal convictions for the sake of a job. EVER. But, I’m also incredibly angry and disappointed because they did not fight for our son. Or for our family. I feel betrayed. They chose lack of morals rather than to stand up to their supervisor for what’s right. They know what they said before. They know what we’ve discussed in depth. They know what our son needs. They know we’ll do anything for our son. We just need help that we’re entitled to based on the law. The school psychologist (also one I also trusted immensely) quietly said, “I’m sorry” as he walked us out. My husband said, “No one in there had a backbone. I am incredibly disappointed.”

The problem with this is obvious. Children who require special services that are anything out of the norm don’t get them. The school recommends outside placement and says they’ll pay just for the day portion of $32,000. The program is $72,000. You can’t do one without the other. Most families wouldn’t be able to afford the extra $40,000 so someone has to quit their job and stay home with the child. That means the school is off the hook for having to provide any services now. Many parents don’t know the law and don’t know what they’re entitled to or have the resources to hire an attorney to fight for what is legally theirs. So, the child doesn’t get an education or socialization and the mother (usually) can’t work outside the home and isn’t paying into the social security system so now both end up on Medicaid. It’s a never-ending cycle of poverty.

Since that meeting in December, Elizabeth Hyatt has been fighting with the local district and the State Department to get the contract signed at King’s Daughters for full amount of $72,000. Supposedly, they finally agreed after much going back and forth. Just TODAY (after six weeks), they finally returned the signed contract…the WRONG one showing that they would only be paying $2,700 per month (for the day program) in lieu of the whole cost of $6,070 per month. It’s starting to feel a lot like Groundhog Day. The system is broken. They’re failing our kids. We will not allow them to fail our son. And, when this is all said and done, I will do everything in my power to make sure other families have the resources to fight for their kids when the system fails them, too.

#autism #specialneeds #advocate #iep #elizabethhyatt #ashleybarbour #kingsdaughters

Stuck in Reverse

When you try your best but you don’t succeed

I literally have made a full-time job out of finding the right placement with Shane, building a team of professionals and working out details with the local school. We’ve worked diligently, spending hours online and on the phone. Completing applications only to be turned down. IQ too high. IQ too low. Behaviors too severe. Behaviors not severe enough. In spite of all of that, I feel like we’re failing. When you try your best but you don’t succeed.

When you get what you want but not what you need

With only one week left before he’s scheduled to come home, Shane continues to struggle. I’m starting to feel like having him home for Christmas and then to Tennessee in January might not happen as he doesn’t seem to be as stable as we thought. We’ve made travel arrangements for next week and desperately want him home. But, is that what he needs? Is he ready to make yet another transition? Do I put our wants above his needs? Am I being selfish? When you get what you want but not what you need.

When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep 

Ever been so exhausted that you feel like 24 hours of sleep would do you good, but you can only sleep for five or six at a time never feeling rested? I literally take melatonin, Xanax, Advil PM and Prazosin daily and haven’t slept more than a few restless hours per night in months. Thoughts race through my head 24/7, seldom at peace. As bad as it is for me, it’s worse for Shane. He’s away from home and in a strange place. He’s scared to sleep alone…even at home. He has nightmares there and gets up at 3:00 a.m. That makes for a very long day. If you know anything about bipolar disorder, you know that lack of sleep only makes things worse. So, while they’re trying to adjust his medication to stabilize his bipolar, he’s not able to sleep which only intensifies the situation. When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep.

When the tears come streaming down your face 

This. Daily. All of us. Me, Scott and our boy. We have Skype calls every Wednesday for about thirty minutes. Yesterday, he looked much sadder and more defeated than we’ve seen him since he’s been in Utah. It takes all I have to put on the brave, happy face. But, I know that he would only be more upset if he sees sadness in us. I’m heartbroken. Scott is heartbroken. Shane is heartbroken. We’re all exhausted and sad to the core. He wants to come home so badly, although he understands why he’s there (as much as he can). We want him home. I want to be a mom ALL the time. I’m not ready to relinquish my daily responsibilities to a boarding school for years to come. But, I know that if he had cancer, I would have to rely on the “professionals” for treatment. I view mental illness, autism and Shane’s unique set of circumstances the same way. It’s out of our scope of abilities. We’ve been asking for help. For years. And, we’ve gotten it along the way. Lots of help from many people. Not so much from others who should’ve been able to help and didn’t. Still, we flail with no end in sight. When the tears come streaming down your face. Still. After all these years.

Stuck in reverse.

The System is Broken

With Shane in Utah, we’ve been scrambling to put together a plan to begin after his discharge on December 20. We are thrilled that he’ll get to be home for Christmas provided all continues to go well.

We had a meeting with the team at our local school last Wednesday. They put together an amended IEP (Individualized Education Program) which is a document that dictates accommodations that must be made for a student with a disability. After Shane only being allowed to attend school for 2.5 hours per day since August, the IEP team agreed that they cannot adequately provide him with the services he needs locally and they recommended placement outside of the district in a more restrictive environment. With that written into the IEP, it means the district is responsible for the tuition at a facility that can accommodate him and his needs. After all, it’s their recommendation.

We knew that the IEP team was leaning toward an outside placement as it had been discussed at prior meetings and had already hired an educational consultant to find a program for Shane. After many applications, inquiries and hours of research, he was accepted into the program at King’s Daughters in Tennessee. There are zero programs in the Carolinas to meet his needs and those of others like him. I visited King’s Daughters on Tuesday. It’s an amazing program for kids on the spectrum and those with developmental and intellectual disabilities. We are excited about the opportunities for him with regard to his continuing care and education. We felt relief knowing we’d found a promising solution.

Yesterday, we were informed that the local district is only willing to provide the portion of costs attributed to the day school which is $32,700. The total tuition for the residential program on an annual basis is $72,700. Yes, it’s an exorbitant amount of money and out of reach for most families. Believe it or not, most schools that can service a child with Shane’s needs range from $96,000-$150,000 per year so $72,000 seems like a bargain.

So, that presents an interesting quandary. The district has said they CAN’T provide Shane with an adequate education and that we should seek placement outside of the district. After hiring an educational consultant, we found a program that will meet his needs as directed by the district. Now, the district only wants to pay less than half after we were told they would pay for placement. I have many questions:

1) How does the district think he can attend the day program without living there? It’s 6.5 hours from home. The nature of the programs is designed to educate 24/7.

2) With the median income in Lancaster County being $46,800, how many families are there in need of these services that can afford to take the district’s contribution of $32,700 and write a check for the additional $40,000 annually when they are refusing services locally?

3) Is their recommendation simply a way of ridding the school district of the responsibility to provide a child with disabilities access to an education hoping that we’ll just settle for homeschooling him?

4) Other districts are funding 100% of the tuition at King’s Daughters for students so why can’t our district?

We’ve never sought public education for him. He was in private school until age 9 and homeschooled with tutors for the last three years. As a result of the determination of the district, we’ve contacted an attorney and will fight for our child’s education and that of other families of children with special needs. It’s a vicious cycle. The child doesn’t receive an adequate education, has no way of even remotely supporting themselves independently and ends up on public support as an adult.

With the loss of an education comes the loss of self-determination and the sense of fulfillment and purpose setting them up for a lifelong struggle, poverty and depression. We owe our children more. We owe families more. And, we owe society and the future generations more.

Recent studies have shown that the incidence of autism is now one in forty. It was estimated at one in 58 just two years ago. Picture that. One in forty kids is on the autism spectrum. This is an epidemic. The world must slow down and take a look at the long-term effects of not serving this community to the maximum benefit. The system is broken. We must fix it.

HOPEless

When speaking of bipolar, someone once said that somewhere between love and hate lies confusion, misunderstanding and desperate hope. I get it. It’s debilitating to see a loved one in the throes of depression, mania and all that goes with it. The confusion. The desperation.

It is with a heavy heart that we have decided it’s time once again to seek a more intensive environment for Shane to try to get a grasp on the bipolar. After weeks of rapid cycling between depression and mania, we feel we have no choice. We’ll be throwing everything together and leaving for Salt Lake City tomorrow for treatment.

If you’re reading this and have been touched personally by severe mental illness, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you have no doubt cried millions of tears feeling helpless as you or your loved one flails. I’m sorry that you’ve ever felt as helpless as I do now. I’m sorry if you’ve ever needed someone who understands and I wasn’t there. I’m sorry that you’ve ever felt as hopeless as I do now.

Hopeless. That’s the worst one. The guilt I feel because I’m so hopeless right now is excruciating. I recently saw a video of an autism mom who talked about the “last time.” The last time she thought things were going to be ok. I get it. I no longer think things will ever be “normal” whatever that is even though I’ve tightly held onto it. Until now. I’m not giving up, but I obviously need to adjust my vision of the future. I’m exhausted. My husband is exhausted. And, as exhausted as we are, I know our boy is even more so. He’s sad to the core. Sad because we’re sad and there’s not a damn thing he can do about it. Or we can do about it. Flailing.

I feel like we’ve tried everything and yet, here we are. Again. At the crossroad of risking financial ruin to get help for our kid because the healthcare system is broken…even with our Cadillac insurance plan. There aren’t many mental health facilities that accept insurance so they expect payment in advance in hopes that insurance will reimburse a portion of the expense to the family. If you’ve ever asked yourself why suicide and gun violence is on the rise, please don’t blame the parents. Blame the system. I guarantee you most parents have begged for help. They haven’t gotten it. It’s not there without a deep enough pocket to travel across the country and pay in excess of $25,000 for just one month. The fact that there are no facilities in a city as big as ours is a disgrace. The fact that mental health facilities don’t accept insurance is a disgrace.

I don’t know who came up with the notion that love conquers all. That’s bullshit. No child is loved more than our boy and we can’t overcome mental illness. All we can do is learn to manage and do our best to give him the tools he’ll need for the rest of his life. It’s not fair. Life is not fair.

I genuinely yearn to find hope again. I know the next few days are going to be some of the most difficult we’ll face as a family. All of us feeling our own sense of failure based on what we feel is our fault. If only we would’ve done this or that. If only we wouldn’t have done this or that. If only we’d handled it differently yesterday, last week, last month, today. If only…

I’ve Lost Myself

I feel like I’ve lost myself. My purpose. My what. My why. I don’t know the exact moment it happened, but it’s been slowly vanishing over the past year. Life has a way of reminding you that you’re not in control no matter how much you think you are. You’re not. But, kudos if you’ve read enough Anthony Robbins books to make you think you are.

I lost a friend to suicide in November. I haven’t really dealt with it or written about it in detail. I knew she was suicidal, but was so wrapped up in my own struggles that I couldn’t stop her or help her. We had lunch together and less than ten days later, she was gone. She wouldn’t accept a cat as a gift (my attempt as lessening her loneliness) because she “didn’t want it to starve” when she died. She had recently moved and wouldn’t let me help her unpack her boxes because she wanted it to “be easy for people to get her things together” after she died. She had dealt with debilitating depression for years and had sunken every dime she had into getting treatment. She could no longer work and was running out of money. She was alone. She was in pain. Her heart broken beyond mending. But, that day at lunch? She was smiling. She was sad, but she was smiling. I can only imagine it’s because she knew her pain would be over soon. She made a plan and stuck with it.

Part of me is envious of her courage. She was tired and knew she couldn’t continue living the way she was. That control thing I mentioned? SHE was in control. She’s at peace now, free of the horrendous visions of abuse she endured as a child and continued in her adult life. Part of me is really mad at her for selfish reasons. Did she think about what it would do to her friends (who shared depression and mental illness)? Did she care? She didn’t owe us anything, but still I wonder. I don’t know how she killed herself, but I imagine she overdosed and drifted off to sleep. I don’t know how long it took before someone found her. I hope she wasn’t alone for long. I imagine her beautiful blonde hair being coiffed perfectly and her lipstick applied as precisely as it could be. Did she wear colors other than the black or grey muted tones she usually wore? I’m glad she didn’t take the cat.

I write about this because I am tired and feel like I’ve been treading water for a long time. I feel like I know where she was in her journey. So tired. I struggle to find joy many days. I’ve put so much into getting Shane the help he needs that I’ve let my own needs go. I’ve stopped working out, gained 30 lbs with no desire to do anything about it. My own treatment-resistant depression needs more intensive treatment, but I can’t pursue it because the next step is TMS or experimental ketamine, both of which require a daily time (and significant financial) commitment for six to eight weeks. So, I’ll continue to struggle until Shane is stable and ready for the next step of his journey and we make it back home and to real life. That’s what we do for those we love immensely.

While away at treatment, Shane has grown leaps and bounds in many areas. But, some of the same bad habits continue to rear their ugly head. Aggression, defiance, “I hate you” when things don’t go his way. We moved here thinking it would make his transition from discharge easier. It’s only been a week, but so far, his behavior on the unit after a home visit is reminiscent of when he first got here. I hope it all falls into place as I doubt myself in my desperate attempt to be in control and lining everything up. See? I thought I was in control. I’m not. Neither are you. Remember?

There have been many moments where I’ve wondered if I would make it through the end of the day. I am no longer myself and know that the journey back will not be an easy one. Do I even remember who I was? Was that person so great, after all? Do I want to be her again (whomever “she” was)? I’ve made many mistakes in the past. I do have regrets (those who say they don’t are full of it). I didn’t do enough to help Pam feel loved and needed among many others. But maybe those mistakes have put me in the right direction of where I’m meant to go. I will die trying to do everything I can to help Shane and our family.

Finding yourself is not an easy journey. I don’t suppose it should be. I’ve been trying to find my purpose my entire life. I find it briefly then it slips away. I don’t suppose that should be easy, either, in an ever-changing world. I’ll delve into volunteering at Shane’s new school and being an advocate for kids who have no one to speak for them. Or, find a new job or a meaningful charity. Or yoga. Or tennis. Or, maybe start running again.

But, my why? I guess that’s easy. It’s seeing my monkey boy successfully finding his place in the world and going to school like a “real boy.” It’s seeing all of the adventures my beautiful daughter and John experience during their time as traveling nurses. It’s being here to give to and receive the unconditional love my dear sweet husband has to offer (even though our cramped quarters are testing our patience). See? The why is easy.

The what? I have to learn to trust that I am where I’m supposed to be and what I’m supposed to be. Maybe I’m not lost. Maybe this is the new me…who has some work to do on finding joy in all that surrounds me. It’s there. I just have to open my eyes and heart to see it. As Kristen Bell says, choose happiness over suffering. Easier said than done, but I’m trying. Namaste, bitches.

Through the Darkness

As I prepare to head to Shane’s school to participate in a promotional video about the difference they’ve made in our boy’s life, I can’t help but think of this song. Through the darkness and good times, they’ve not given up on him. They’ve invested time in getting to know him. They don’t take his refusal to do work for his lack of ability to do work. They didn’t take his poor test scores as his “normal” and repeated the tests realizing that the vast differences in results was an indication of deeper issues. Not all kids learn the same way and they’ve taken on the challenge of having to be creative to find what works for him. All of the kids there march to the beat of their own drum. They’ve not been given the same opportunities typical kids who make the honor roll have been given. Many are bruised and broken…the staff at Ki Charter gets that. Often those who are hurting the most lash out at others the hardest. The staff is there because they want to be there and they want to make a difference in the short time they have the kids in their care hoping that their short influence will ignite a love of learning and find confidence in the kids. Lord knows there are much easier teaching positions they could choose. But, at Ki, they have the opportunity to be a catalyst for great things.

They know Shane has a great heart deep down and is a kind and loving little soul and don’t take his tantrums or lashing out as “mean.” I wonder if they’ve ever had the chance to hear his deep belly laugh or to hear his incredibly creative stories. I wonder if they know he’s one of the sweetest boys they’ll ever meet. I wonder if they know how thankful I am that they are including him with the other kids with support as needed instead of insisting on division and one-on-one. 

I listened to this song everyday when we were trying to conceive a second child over a span of seven years. After multiple miscarriages and failed IVF attempts, we decided to give up in July of 2005. Shane came into our lives in a way I never thought he would in December of 2005. The universe had a different plan for us…for Shane. The world thought I had it all, but I was waiting for you.

Where it was dark now there’s light
Where there was pain now there’s joy
Where there was weakness, I found my strength
All in the eyes of a boy

There’s a Place for Us

While at San Marcos, Shane has been enrolled in Ki Charter Academy, a public charter school on the grounds of the treatment center. It’s a totally separate entity of San Marcos Treatment Center. All kids enrolled in the treatment center attend Ki Charter, but not all kids there are from the treatment center. School has been a huge issue and challenge for Shane and we were worried about how he would handle the academic setting surrounded by peers.

When Shane was as young as two, we couldn’t even leave him at the Y long enough to work out without them calling us to come get him. Every daycare decided that he “wasn’t a good fit” for their program. Once it was time for him to start kindergarten, we enrolled him into the public school and within a few weeks, he’d been suspended several times for throwing erasers, knocking over a chair, pushing a kid, etc. The public school refused to accept the diagnoses and testing we had from doctors and insisted on doing their own evaluations before making any changes or accommodations. Each time they called me to pick him up, I went and scooped him up in tears (both of us). We decided to pull him out when we found Cyzner Institute which was a small private school that provided ABA therapy and a small teacher to student ratio. Even in a class with 6-8 kids, Shane wasn’t successful and instead of leaving him in the classroom to help him build social skills, they insisted on one-on-one instruction. No one would give him a chance. So, Shane’s entire academics have always been one-on-one which is why we were so anxious about him starting at Ki Charter Academy. But, we were hopeful.

As soon as it was obvious that he was struggling behaviorally and academically in a somewhat traditional classroom setting, I discussed having Shane tested for special education services and began wondering what else could be done to help him. With Ki Charter, I got immediate cooperation. They tested him over a period of a couple of months, repeating some tests multiple times because the results were so drastically different each time. They didn’t accept his refusal to perform particular tasks as his inability to learn. They were diligent and took a genuine interest in trying to figure out what makes him tick.

Yesterday, we had our first IEP meeting. I’ve heard horror stories from parents about their IEP meetings. Scott and I sat at the table and listened to the results and their interpretations of Shane. Most of what they said was no surprise. But, some things were amazing. They agreed that he needs extra support in various subjects and that it would be put into place immediately. They talked about how creative, funny and curious he is. It’s no surprise that he struggles with peer interaction. He’s never experienced it. I braced myself waiting to hear the “your kid needs one-on-one” instruction. They said the opposite. They want him to remain in class with peers. Such a pleasant surprise. They believe in him and are giving him a chance to find success. We spent the next few minutes after the call in silence and tears wondering why we didn’t fight harder for Shane at other places once again placing blame squarely on our shoulders.

We anticipate our insurance running out for the treatment center toward the end of March. Because Ki Charter has put so much care into helping Shane learn to navigate “real school” with peers, we want him to finish out the school year there. It would be virtually impossible to expect Shane to come back to South Carolina and be successful with only a couple of months left in the school year.

On March 1, we’ll be packing up Memphis and Tux and heading to San Marcos planning to stay through the middle of July. That will give Shane the opportunity to continue at Ki Charter learning to interact appropriately with peers in an academic setting under a staff trained in special education and undoubtedly passionate about their work. The last day of school is June 1, but Shane has been granted permission to continue for six more weeks in their summer program. It is our hope that he will also be able to successfully join some summer camps like “real” kids (his words).

I’m excited about our little place on the river in San Marcos. Tears dry faster in the sun. I may not ever want to leave. I can easily say that the last year has been the most challenging year of our lives. But, at this moment, I can finally breathe knowing that for right now, for Shane, there’s a place for us.

#noalternateroute

As we continue to pack and get ready to leave for Texas, my heart continues to break. So many conflicting emotions. I don’t even know which way to go. I suspect I will run on autopilot for the next week for the most part. I have no clue what to do or how to do this, but I know that we have each other. There’s no manual for autism. There’s no manual for having to take your child 1200 miles away to get them the help they desperately need and deserve. There’s no manual for healing hearts that have been broken so many times pieces are missing. Yet, we carry on. Desperate for hope. Desperate for help. Desperate for peace. Desperate for change. We owe that much to him. We owe that much to ourselves and our family.

“Roads may be sometimes rough. But, with you, no matter how rough the road is, I’ll take no alternate route. Because together we can make it through. No matter how tough the going, I’ll keep on going. Because with you, my loves, the journey will never be boring.”-T.O.Y.

#neverthelesstheypersisted #autismawareness #searchingforpeace

I Would Walk 1200 Miles

As we prepare for our 1200 mile journey to Texas next week, I feel like we have a clear plan for the immediate future. What happens after that remains to be seen. Not gonna lie. It scares the crap out of me. Hoping San Marcos teaches Monkey skills necessary to function at a “real” school so he can have more interaction with peers, gain confidence. And I hope we learn how to be better parents and guides for him. He desperately wants to feel “normal.” I don’t know what that means, but he has “it” in his head.

I have mixed feelings about him being away. As caregivers, we need a break to regroup, repair and become a stronger unit. As parents, the thought of a long separation is heartbreaking. But, I’m taking comfort in peace. For us and for him. He wants peace. He needs peace. He deserves peace.

#1 and #2

This blog has been swirling around in my head for days and days. So, here goes nothing.

The past few months have demanded big decisions. Life changing ones. The ones that could scar a kid forever if you make the wrong one…as if having me for a mother isn’t scarring enough. 😀

Our daughter will be entering her junior year at Western Carolina. She got into the Nursing Program which is highly competitive and selective. She’s a great student and her hard work paid off. Our big decision…on-campus or off-campus. She suckered me in joining the off-campus camp which meant I kicked it into high gear to convince the dads. We found an awesome place midway between Western Carolina and Asheville. Her clinicals will be in Cullowhee, Waynesville and Asheville. We picked up the keys and began moving in this past weekend. Next week, she goes for good. She’ll continue to work in that area after she graduates and hopes to attend graduate school there to become a Nurse Anesthetist. I know it’s the best thing for her but that doesn’t make it any easier to accept the fact that she’s on to her own life now. For real this time. My role is different and ever-changing. I guess I was still in denial up to this point. I’m so proud of her but it breaks my heart at the same time. In my mind, she’s still the adorable little girl with the big hair bow and the impish grin. So, there you go. Life decision #1. Next Thursday will be one of the most difficult days of the last 20 years of being a mom…right up there with seeing her walk into the school with a backpack bigger than her as she turns to wave goodbye. Seeing her back out of the driveway for the first time as a driver alone as she waves goodbye. Seeing her close the door to apartment #9 as she waves goodbye.

As Jess moves on to the next phase of her life, so does Shane. I cannot begin to tell you how proud we are of the little man he’s become. I honestly don’t know if the winds have changed because of the outstanding therapy he’s received from those who love him as though he is their own, because of maturity, because we’ve figured out how to roll with it or a combination of it all. In any case, I am thankful to the moon and back for the good karma that’s come our way. He’s incredibly sweet, funny, loving, smart and determined. Last week, one of his teachers told me that she loves working with him because he’s like a little adult with a wicked sense of humor trapped in an 8 year old’s body. That’s a great description. We have deep conversations about things from adoption to compassion to time travel to being an alien and more. He leads the conversations and takes great delight in sharing his insights with us. Sometimes when we’re tucking him into bed, he’ll say, “Will you stay here so we can have a conversation?” And, we do. About everything and about nothing.

This school year is a whole new ballgame. Life decision #2. We’ve decided to homeschool him to a degree and enrolled him into the virtual school through the South Carolina public school system. We’ll have a therapist come to the house for several hours everyday to work with him on academics and helping him manage a new situation and all that comes with it. Transition has proven to be tough in the past. But, it is time for the next step. Big decision for us. Do we rock the boat or not? What if it’s the wrong decision for him and/or the family? Even with having to spend so much time learning to manage his behavior and anxiety, he remarkably is on grade level in everything. He’s smart as a whip and a beautiful person inside and out.

As we set up his new school room, we’ve allowed him to play a part in planning. We’ve picked out the new furniture, school supplies and décor together. We decided to go with a world traveler theme. He wants “to be like Charles and go everywhere in the world.” So, we found a giant wall mural of a map and bought green pins to mark every place we’ve been together as a family which is a decent number of places in his 8 short years of life. As we were going through postcards of some of the places we’ve been, I told him we would use a special colored pin to mark the one place he wants to go most of all. His response? “I wanna go WAY WAY back, Mommy. I wanna be a time traveler.” Where the hell do I put the pin for that one?

In the words of George McFly, “Like I’ve always told you, you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything.”

Hello, Old Friend…

Wow! I use blogging/sharing as therapy. Since I haven’t done it since January, that might explain my need for, well, therapy! In the online sense (and real life, too), my absence means that I’m caught dead square in the middle of a massive shit storm and am living in survival mode. There is a popular saying…what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Well, I can honestly say that I’m already fairly strong so the universe can stop trying to kill me now. No matter how many times I feel like the universe is giving me a big “*$%^ YOU,” I have to keep marching. I guess when things are out of your hands, you have no option other than to put on your big girl panties and keep moving forward.

The past six months or so have been a huge struggle for Shane and our family. Just when we feel like he’s making huge strides in many areas, there are others that creep up and send him tumbling backwards. As a mom, nothing breaks your heart more than seeing your kid be unsuccessful in simple things most parents take for granted like playing with the neighbor’s kids, going to the mall, going to Times Square specifically to go to Toys R Us and not being able to go to the third floor where all the super heroes are because he’s deathly afraid of glass floors, high ceilings, stairs and escalators. Talk about feeling totally defeated for a little boy to talk about something so much and be so excited then not be able to do it. I would probably throw myself on the floor and kick and scream, too.

We’re in the process of building a stronger support team than we’ve had in the past to help Shane navigate the world. We’ve added a developmental pediatrician (priceless), a developmental neurologist (pure craziness…think Dr. House with a great bedside manner), a pediatric psychiatrist and a vision therapist (new and yet to be determined). We have a referral to a new pediatric neurologist and an appointment with a geneticist in November…all in an effort to do everything we can. With a well-integrated, invested team in place, I feel more hopeful about the future than ever and am excited to hear their recommendations and plans moving forward. I don’t know how to express my gratitude to each and every one of them for taking the time to get to know and love Shane and being able to see him for the loving, sweet, thoughtful, funny little man he is. The staff at Cyzner has be invaluable and I am so thankful for their guidance, patience and dedication to Shane and our family.

One thing I’ve learned in the last seven years is that sometimes you blame yourself for everything. At least, I do. What could I have done differently? Did I do something wrong? I’ve cried a lot and taken a lot of time to reflect on life…what could’ve been, what is. There is something I know and I’m taking the risk of ticking off a lot of people, but I’m going to say it, anyway. I have friends who have children with special needs of varying degrees and we’ve discussed it so I’m not alone when I say this. When navigating the slippery slope we’re climbing, we often encounter people who might offer “help.” There are two things that, as a mom of a child with special needs, I do not want to hear. Please do not say that God gives “special children to special people.” I am no more “special” than my neighbor, friends or family. What kind of god would create “special” children who have to struggle daily with any disability? Or anyone else who suffers with pain or illness? Not a very nice one. I understand that there are many religious philosophies and I get that some people have to believe that there’s more to life than this, that there’s a better life beyond this one and will believe regardless of anyone says. They have to believe for various reasons…afraid of death, fear of having no purpose, not believing in yourself and your own strength. Do what you need to do to feel better, but please don’t tell me you’ll pray for me. Because you know what? It’s easy to go to bed at night, clasp your hands, say a prayer (for those in need and your favorite football team), then get a peaceful night’s sleep. But, one pair of working hands does more good than a million clasped in prayer.

I was raised in the south in a Baptist church. I was baptized and wholeheartedly believed what I was taught. With exposure to different people and cultures, I realized that the world was not full of God-fearing Christians and that there were so many different philosophies. I always considered myself to be spiritual but in recent years, I’ve called myself an atheist. But now I know that I’m not an atheist. I’m a humanist. There, I said it…MY NAME IS JANET AND I’M NOT A REPUBLICAN, LIBERAL (that’s pushing it), DEMOCRAT (although I do think donkeys are cute), A CHRISTIAN OR AN ATHEIST. I AM A HUMANIST.

hu·man·ist

/ˈhyumənɪst or  [hyoo-muh-nist or, often, yoo-]/noun

1. a person having a strong interest in or concern for human welfare, values, and dignity.

Stay calm, carry on and listen to this song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5TQAjXSD1PY

My Name is Janet and I am an Elf

It is said that time flies when you’re having fun. I guess that can explain the extended period of time with no blog. While most of my recent activities can be described as fun, I paid a high price for others (that’ll blog will come later).

I haven’t had a “real” job in over 15 years. I’m a real estate broker and a photographer but work at both on my own terms. I was in one of those “I’m not contributing anything to society and my family” moods so I set out on a mission. I can honestly say that I’m one of those people who can set my mind to doing something and most of the time, it all falls into place beautifully. After applying online to many jobs with no response and discouraged, I simply posted on Facebook that I really “just wanted to be a photographer for Santa” mostly being sarcastic more than anything. I couldn’t find a job…It’s not like I wanted to be a rocket scientist. But, with Facebook and the flap of a butterfly’s wing, the wheels began to turn.

In a million years, I never would’ve imagined that being an elf for Santa could be so rewarding and such a pain in the ass at the same time. In theory, it sounded like a blast. I figured I would have to show up for a few hours each week, work with the jolly old elf and his helpers, take pictures of adorable children and be thrust smack dab in the middle of the merriest frickin’ time of the year. At the interview, I was offered the position of Set Manager which would create a whole new reality and convinced myself that it would fulfill some of the emptiness I was feeling of not contributing, blah, blah, blah. Besides, I have an extensive background in management. I could do it (insert cheers and marching band)!

In the eight weeks that followed, I met many people who left a footprint on my heart. One of those people was Travis, a 33 year old autistic man with who showed up to the set an hour before opening to ask Santa for a job, $100 and a computer for his mother. With the help of Facebook friends, team members and mall employees, we were able to fulfill part of his wishes (not so much the job…yet). I met a mom whose daughter was visiting Santa for the first time in three years because her leukemia was finally in remission. We met a six year old with a chemotherapy port, bald and translucent who sat on Santa’s lap while his mom and aunt stood to the side, crying.  There was an 82 year old man who waited 30 minutes for his “girlfriend” also in her 80’s to take a picture with Santa. And, the elderly woman with her 15 year old poodle in a stroller dressed to the nines in real kid clothes, not dog clothes. She never had a daughter so the dog was her little girl.

Along the way, I met others who were a massive pain in the ass. They included the nasty Stepford wife who was pissed because I was “unprofessional” for having her kid make a funny face in his photo with Santa (a travesty!). There were many of her prototypes out and about who asked for repeated shoots because their perfectly coiffed screaming one year old was petrified of Santa and “wasn’t smiling.” (Really? Give me a damn break!) Still others who refused to buy the picture because their kid was crying. Hello! We tell kids never to talk to or take candy from strangers. Some are going to be a little freaked out when you put them on the lap of a big hairy man in a red suit doling out candy canes for bribes. Finally, there’s George Michael…I grew sick of hearing about his last Christmas.

One of the greatest gifts of all is the band of elves I had the pleasure of working with. The set team consisted primarily of kids recently out of high school and in college. There were a few middle-aged elves who would’ve been better off staying at the North Pole in the Department of Misfit Toys instead of exposing the rest of the world to their Grinchness. My supervising elves were always jolly and there to lend their priceless support and guidance.

The kids on the staff  were the best elves, prospering and growing. Most of them were eager to please and learn. I looked at it as an opportunity to teach them skills they would use for the rest of their lives. Several were painfully shy in the beginning and blossomed into bubbly, outgoing elves who were great at sales and customer service with their newfound confidence. Others used their jolliness to motivate each other and worked on perfecting their skills. They all WANTED to come to work (most of the time) and were disappointed when they weren’t on the schedule. They were the part of the experience I enjoyed and will remember the most. I hope to keep in touch with all of them as they continue their journey through life.

Overall, being a part of the Christmas magic was a rewarding experience. I learned that after 15 years of being out of the corporate world and losing a lot of confidence, I still have a little of what it takes to be “successful.” Our team ranked fourth in the nation with a 21% increase in sales over last year. I’ve been asked to manage the set again next year. If you ask me now what my answer will be, it would be no. But, a year is a long time and I will likely forget the negative aspects (much like childbirth). And, my band of elves showered me with gifts at the end of the season, gave me nicknames (mostly nice) and they all want to come back next season. They’ve vowed to blow up my phone and fill my inbox beginning in September to convince me to head the band of rogue elves that we were. That lets me know that in part, I accomplished what I set out to do…I hope I made a difference in their lives. Certainly, without them knowing, they made a huge difference in mine.

Santa and four of my favorite elves

A New Day Has Come

There’s a song by Celine Deon, “A New Day Has Come” that was written about her struggle with infertility and the birth of her son. I listen to it often. I’m not sure why except maybe to remind me of how the stars aligned to give me a chance to experience the love of a second child. The song has been playing over and over in my mind while thinking of all the twists and turns I’ve experienced in my life. But, the song has brought new meaning to me today.

“I was waiting for so long
For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong
Hold on and don’t shed a tear”

I’ve shared part of our story before about dealing with infertility. But, unless you’ve been through it, you have no idea what it means or how it feels. The hurt cannot be put into words. How your heart melts when you see someone who’s glowing because they’re pregnant. Or, how jealousy rears its ugly head when you see  or hear a baby cry. And, how you’re sure you’d be a better parent than a teenager with an unplanned pregnancy. They made pregnancy look so easy. I already had a daughter. I knew how amazing it felt to bring a life into this world. She is beautiful and I wanted to feel that again. Then, came the gift of adoption and showed me that there truly is no difference between being the mother of a biological child and an adopted child.

“Through the darkness and good times
I knew I’d make it through
And the world thought I had it all
But I was waiting for you”

I recently had the distinction of being the featured runner for Team Up! Autism Speaks for Run Disney’s Twilight Zone Tower of Terror. Doing the run this past weekend gave me plenty of time of solitude (2 hours and 20 minutes) to think about why I was running and our life with Shane. That was the first question I was asked during the interview for Run Disney. Why? I said that I was running to raise money and awareness for autism and that Shane wanted the medal (and my shiny skirt at the finish line, it turns out). I also shared that he was adopted because I’m proud to be an adoptive parent and to have the privilege of being his mom. Those are a couple of reasons but there are many others. I truly do want to help those who are affected much more than we are. I want to make a difference and be a part of something much bigger than me. I want people to keep their snide comments and looks to themselves when Shane has a meltdown in the lines at Disney or on the overcrowded bus or when he wants his Sprite in a wine glass. I want the strength to keep it together when he’s hurting so much. I no longer want to feel helpless. I want people to see Shane the way we see him…a beautiful brown-eyed boy with the power to make those around him laugh and smile.

“I can’t believe I’ve been
touched by an angel with love”

I’ve cried a lot of tears during the past week. I always cry when I finish long runs. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s a sense of pride because I pushed myself to do something I never thought I could do (and I’m particularly fond of the running part). But, I also cried because for the first time I realized that Shane’s autism is much worse than I thought. I’ve always been really good at making excuses to explain his behavior thinking that part of it was a conscious decision by him to be a jerk. But, when he took a ride to the hospital last week because he severed his thumb after slamming the door on it, he was crying and hitting the top of his head with his other hand. I’ve seen other kids with autism do similar things but never Shane. I thought it was a fluke. But, he did it again when we were at The Haunted Mansion at Disney. He was scared to the point of shaking and pleading to leave. No matter how we tried to tell him it wasn’t real and it’s like a movie, he trembled, his heart raced and he cried hysterically. There were other different behaviors…hitting his injured thumb when he was upset, saying he couldn’t breathe on a crowded bus and trying to push everyone away, becoming so anxious and crying because he didn’t want the plane to leave without us. I could tell that he was trying so hard to be brave. Words cannot describe the pain of watching your child react like that and not be able to do a damn thing about it. I feel guilty for putting him in situations that I could’ve controlled or should’ve known better than to put him there to begin with.

I’m not a religious person. In fact, I’m an atheist. But, if I was religious now would be the time that I would pray for courage and determination to take away the hurt and pain that Shane and others like him face daily. I would pray for the strength to be the mom my beautiful daughter deserves and not be so stressed out all the time. And, to be the woman my husband sees when he looks at me and not feel or look exhausted. Let today be the day that those things come to me. A great honor has been bestowed upon me…their care has been placed in my hands. All I have now to offer is love. That’ll do for now. The rest will come.

“Let the rain come down
and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun
A new day has come”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NaGLVS5b_ZY

Part of That World

In 1998 when my daughter was gearing up for kindergarten, I set out on a mission to find a good private school for her. The local public school system did not have a stellar record. I quickly realized finding the right school was going to be a task more daunting than I had imagined. There was a waitlist for most kindergarten classes. But, I met a lady in a store one day whose daughter was wearing a shirt from one of the schools I had visited. I asked her how she liked it and she said loved it. I told her about the waitlist. She said, “Don’t worry about it. Put on every piece of jewelry you own and wear your best outfit. Money talks.” So, that’s what I did. Within a week of the meeting with administration, a space magically became available.

When Jess started there, I threw myself in to every fundraiser that the school had. Somehow, I felt like it was my duty. I took on the challenge of chairing their largest fundraiser, a silent auction, for two years running. Each year, we raised anywhere from $25,000-$30,000 with just that one event. They also had a campaign of selling wrapping paper. All of the money was to buy new computers or playground equipment. Being so involved with the school allowed me to meet most of the parents. 99% of them were people I told myself I would never become, but who I was faintly beginning to see in the mirror daily. They seemed to be self-centered parents who thought they were better than everyone else, who only cared about what people saw. And, their kids were unappreciative spoiled brats who had no concept of reality. They wouldn’t be caught dead in something from Old Navy (or God forbid, WALMART) as they might burst into flames. If they didn’t get to play soccer with the big league or lacrosse, they might faint. It seemed that money (or fake money) was no object to them, image was. Those who didn’t bother volunteering were the first to complain and throw rocks at those who were volunteering. The school had about 100 kids enrolled at the time with tuition averaging $15,000. In other words, the school had a truckload of money for that time. Bottom line is that those kids were going to be okay and were going to have a successful school career without a handful of parents busting their ass to bring in more money to buy computers or a new slide. In hindsight, the school could’ve dropped some of their $1.5M to buy a few computers. We eventually left the school after 4 years when I realized that my child needed to be exposed to more diversity and that I no longer wanted to hang with the Biff’s and Buffy’s of the world. It was a world I thought I wanted to be a part of then realized I didn’t fit in, nor would I ever, nor did I even want to.

Fast forward 12 years…Shane’s been at his new school since December. For those who don’t know, it’s a school for children on the spectrum, ADHD and other issues. It’s a full day of ABA therapy, music therapy, art, etc. Because it’s a small school with less than 25 kids, the parents are not that active. They do meet monthly, but it’s more of a meeting to share information and resources. Recently, they put together the spring yard sale so I jumped at the opportunity to volunteer. The money  raised is generally used for computers and other necessities for the kids. I thought it would be a great way to meet the parents and get to know the administrative staff better.

For this story, it’s important to note that the tuition at Cyzner is approximately $27,000 per school year for a full-time student. Throw in another $5,000 for summer camps. In order for a family to afford the tuition, they have to make a considerable amount of money, make huge financial sacrifices or have great insurance benefits (like us). So, I guess for the sake of comparing them to the families at Jessica’s school, they would be the same economically or better. There’s a vast difference between them, though.

Although I had a preconceived notion of what the parents would be like, I discovered that the moms I met working with the yard sale at Cyzner do not give a rat’s ass about their appearance to the outside world. I saw the staff bending over backwards to help and lead. The parents will do anything to get their kids the help they need to navigate in a world of neuro-typical kids. If that means wearing clothes from Old Navy, so be it. If it means driving an older car, so be it. Skip the baseball, soccer, dance and other afterschool activities. If their kids have major meltdowns in a restaurant, or wear their clothes inside-out (a travesty!), rubber boots with dresses or shorts, they are not embarrassed. They’re just trying to survive.

After thinking about my experiences with the two schools, I’ve come to a couple of conclusions…the private school Jess went to was a world I thought I wanted to be a part of, but never would be accepted no matter what effort I put forth. While I realize that we are very fortunate to have nice things, get to travel to beautiful places and have many priviledges I never dreamed I would have, I hope that we are not viewed as hypocritical. But, I hope that our character, generosity, desire to “pay it forward” speak for us and do not put us in the category of the Biff’s and Buffy’s in the eyes of friends.

The world at Cyzner is one I never wanted to be a part of, but I am. They’ve shown me what’s important in life. It’s not what you have, what it looks like from the outside, how much money’s in the bank, the car you drive, the house, the clothes you wear or who your lunch date at the country club is. It took a hard knock, but now I know. It’s love, kindness, generosity, tolerance. It’s the world I want to be part of. It’s the world I’m in. It’s where I fit. I have been humbled.

Why I Am Running

Running, racing and raising $$ makes me feel like I’m somehow making a difference. Last year I ran my first half-marathon to raise money for Leukemia & Lymphoma Society in memory of my dad who died in August 2010. This year, I’m running and raising $$ for Autism Speaks in honor of our son, Shane, who was diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) in November of last year. I’ll be competing with Team Up! with Autism Speaks at the Tower of Terror 10-Miler in Orlando, FL on September 29, 2012. As much as I’m looking forward to raising $1,000 per mile, I’m also excited about meeting other families who are running to raise funds in honor of someone they love and whose lives have also been touched by Autism. Please take a look at my page and consider making a tax-deductible donation to support my fundraising efforts or pass it along to others who might consider it, as well. No donation is too small…every dollar counts! With a GOAL OF $10,000, I’m going to need a lot of help.

P.S.-The monkey in the pic on my Autism Speaks page is Shane when he ran his first race a couple of weeks ago for Miles Against Melanoma (62 feet). Looks like I may have a new running partner soon!

http://events.autismspeaks.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=1024092&lis=0&kntae1024092=F9B4235241EA4EAC84E3AB96F3DA1ABB

Me (second from left) with my very special LLS Team in Training
peeps after the San Diego Rock ‘n Roll Half-marathon

I’ve Run Out of Ideas

While I usually try to be funny and entertaining, the last couple of weeks have been especially difficult and full of emotions…inadequacy, anger, sadness among them. If you’re looking for a happy blog about rainbows and unicorns, you should stop reading and go elsewhere. Here’s the problem…I am a self-diagnosed perfectionistic control freak with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, ADD, future member of Overeater’s Anonymous and Lazy Ass Couch Sitter Club. I feel like I’m losing my sense of humor which is probably my strongest coping mechanism. More and more often, I find myself less likely to laugh about things and more likely to cry instead. No clue why (menopause?). I have a birthday coming up which brings me closer to 50 (ouch). I have a daughter who’s is graduating in June and heading to college. I have a little boy who struggles to “make good decisions” at school and at home (no matter how hard he seems to try). Maybe those are reasons. Realizing that things are happening that are beyond my control probably doesn’t help.

My daughter and I are very close. We have a great relationship. One that I wish I had with my mother. Jessica has professed that I’m her best friend (although I think her boyfriend has weasled his way into that spot ). The realization that she will be leaving home soon is really hitting me hard. It seems like only yesterday that she was dressing up the cat and pushing her around in a stroller or marrying our golden retriever. I’m not ready for the next stage of life and our relationship with her living 3 1/2 hours away. I’d be lying if I said I was ready. I think it’s going to take a long time for me to be ready. I can’t even hear someone ask her about college without welling up in tears (she looks at me everytime waiting for waterworks). But, I know that we have done a good job raising her. She’s a great kid. She’s beautiful inside and out, smart and ambitious. I’m prouder than anybody has a right to be. She’s going to be okay.

Shaney has been struggling at home and at school for a while now. He’s decided that he’s pretty much the “decider” in most things being asked of him. He’s as stubborn as a mule. At school, he sometimes refuses to do his work, stands up in the chairs, turns his desk over, cries, but what gets him into the most trouble there is potty mouth. He insists on yelling out BUTT and STUPID. I’m sure there are others (like the special word he called out when the teacher asked for words beginning with “F”). His teacher came up with the idea of putting tally marks on the white board in class to show him how many times he said inappropriate words to make him more aware. This week, we decided that I would give him two coins each morning. He would be allowed five tallies before having to surrender a coin. If he got into the car at the end of the day and kept one coin, we would do something extra-special. The first day he got in the car with both coins! YAY (computer time)! The second day, two coins! YAY (small toy and DS)! The third day one coin! YEEHAW (computer time and Happy Meal)! The fourth day…no coins! BOO (nothing electronic :/)! No coins would mean that the child stubbornly used ten potty words in a six hour period. To be honest with you, I don’t care if he says BUTT. I’m not particularly fond of STUPID. And STUPID ASS is definitely not cool. But, since there are only three boys in his class who pick up each other’s bad habits and feed off of each other’s energy, I get it.

Last night when I was trying to tuck Shane into bed, he refused to clear his bed of the mountain of toys, pick a book out for us to read and just stop being a jerk, in general. After I asked several times (okay, told him several times), I got no help. So, I said I could not read a story and sing lullabies if he didn’t get ready. That brought the onslaught of tears and a temper tantrum. Once he settled down, I sat on the bed and said, “I’m sorry you’re sad and upset. I’m trying to help you. What can I do to help?” From this adult trapped in a little boy’s body, I hear, “I DON’T KNOW, JANET! I’VE RUN OUT OF IDEAS!” That made me cry…and laugh, he laughed. Maybe, just maybe, my sense of humor is still here. It might be under a layer or two, but it’s there. I think it’s going to be okay.  I’M going to be okay.

You’re Not My Friend!

When you’re a parent, there are days when there isn’t enough wine, chocolate, beer, Xanax in the house to help you not pull every hair out of your head. Days when no matter how hard you try to be patient, nothing works and you turn into a raging lunatic (well, I do, anyway). Days when I am way too hard on myself for not being the perfect parent (whatever the hell that is) which results in crying and feeling worthless. And, when you have a kid who is defiant and has a difficult time with changes, transition and lack of routine, it makes spring break seem like a vacation to Hell.

Several days this week, Shane has had multiple meltdowns and temper tantrums. Let’s brush your teeth and hair…NO! Time to take your medicine…NO! AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME! Time for lunch…I DON’T WANT TO EAT. IF I DON’T WANT TO, I DON’T HAVE TO! Let’s go see a movie…I’M NOT GOING TO SEE A MOVIE! We’re going to the museum…I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE MUSEUM TO SEE THE STARS! Let’s go to Carowinds…I’M NOT RIDING ANYTHING EXCEPT THE SNOOPY MOON, NOT EVEN THE CAROUSEL (he wasn’t lying about that). So, I bargain, praise, bribe, provide positive reinforcement, take away privileges, send him to “the chair” to think while screaming and kicking the wall (him, not me). These are all the methods we’ve been taught to do. And, what’s funny is that Shane’s right. How do you make a six year old get out of “the chair” to finish a task because I’m on a schedule when he’s bound and determined to sit there because it’s not HIS idea to get up? Truth is, I can’t “MAKE HIM IF HE DOESN’T WANT TO.”  And, so it goes…I’M NOT YOU’RE FRIEND! I’M GONNA SAY BAD WORDS! I DON’T WANNA STAY HERE WITH YOU!

This has been the first extended break since Shane started Cyzner Institute in December. When he’s in school, the difference in his behavior is insane. He’s a different child. It’s difficult for me to tell what part is autism and what part is just being a brat at home. Obviously, the routine in the classroom helps him stay in control. This week has made me realize how fortunate we are to have the resources and benefits that are available to us. The fact that he has perfect days when he’s in school let’s me know that the therapy is working. Although we’re working with his teacher, therapists and psychologist to learn ways for us to help him manage his frustrations, this week has taught me that I still have a VERY long way to go with my education. We’re fairly new to the world of autism so are still navigating and finding more information daily to help put it all together. We are a family that’s always been spontaneous…spur of the moment movies, trips, restaurants, amusement parks, etc. I have to come to the realization that as much as I think things can be “normal” (whatever that it is) they’re not going to be. At least, not yet.

When things settle down from each instance of tantrums from a six year old amidst tears and hugs (from me and him), I hear, “I do wanna be your friend, Mommy. I love you. I wanna stay here with you forever and my whole wide life, Momma. You’re my favorite. You’re the best Mommy ever.”

And, at the end of the day when the last line of the lullabies has been sung, I whisper, “Always remember and never forget…” the sweetest, most adorable brown-eyed boy I know chimes in, “that Mommy will always love me, no matter what….even if I’m mean. Right, Momma?” Right, Shaney…no matter what. All is well in the universe. For now, anyway. There’s always tomorrow.

We did figure out a way to ride in the car with the top down this week…put on goggles to block the wind and sun! 🙂