When you’re a parent, there are days when there isn’t enough wine, chocolate, beer, Xanax in the house to help you not pull every hair out of your head. Days when no matter how hard you try to be patient, nothing works and you turn into a raging lunatic (well, I do, anyway). Days when I am way too hard on myself for not being the perfect parent (whatever the hell that is) which results in crying and feeling worthless. And, when you have a kid who is defiant and has a difficult time with changes, transition and lack of routine, it makes spring break seem like a vacation to Hell.
Several days this week, Shane has had multiple meltdowns and temper tantrums. Let’s brush your teeth and hair…NO! Time to take your medicine…NO! AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME! Time for lunch…I DON’T WANT TO EAT. IF I DON’T WANT TO, I DON’T HAVE TO! Let’s go see a movie…I’M NOT GOING TO SEE A MOVIE! We’re going to the museum…I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE MUSEUM TO SEE THE STARS! Let’s go to Carowinds…I’M NOT RIDING ANYTHING EXCEPT THE SNOOPY MOON, NOT EVEN THE CAROUSEL (he wasn’t lying about that). So, I bargain, praise, bribe, provide positive reinforcement, take away privileges, send him to “the chair” to think while screaming and kicking the wall (him, not me). These are all the methods we’ve been taught to do. And, what’s funny is that Shane’s right. How do you make a six year old get out of “the chair” to finish a task because I’m on a schedule when he’s bound and determined to sit there because it’s not HIS idea to get up? Truth is, I can’t “MAKE HIM IF HE DOESN’T WANT TO.” And, so it goes…I’M NOT YOU’RE FRIEND! I’M GONNA SAY BAD WORDS! I DON’T WANNA STAY HERE WITH YOU!
This has been the first extended break since Shane started Cyzner Institute in December. When he’s in school, the difference in his behavior is insane. He’s a different child. It’s difficult for me to tell what part is autism and what part is just being a brat at home. Obviously, the routine in the classroom helps him stay in control. This week has made me realize how fortunate we are to have the resources and benefits that are available to us. The fact that he has perfect days when he’s in school let’s me know that the therapy is working. Although we’re working with his teacher, therapists and psychologist to learn ways for us to help him manage his frustrations, this week has taught me that I still have a VERY long way to go with my education. We’re fairly new to the world of autism so are still navigating and finding more information daily to help put it all together. We are a family that’s always been spontaneous…spur of the moment movies, trips, restaurants, amusement parks, etc. I have to come to the realization that as much as I think things can be “normal” (whatever that it is) they’re not going to be. At least, not yet.
When things settle down from each instance of tantrums from a six year old amidst tears and hugs (from me and him), I hear, “I do wanna be your friend, Mommy. I love you. I wanna stay here with you forever and my whole wide life, Momma. You’re my favorite. You’re the best Mommy ever.”
And, at the end of the day when the last line of the lullabies has been sung, I whisper, “Always remember and never forget…” the sweetest, most adorable brown-eyed boy I know chimes in, “that Mommy will always love me, no matter what….even if I’m mean. Right, Momma?” Right, Shaney…no matter what. All is well in the universe. For now, anyway. There’s always tomorrow.