Never Did Believe in Miracles

August 24, 2017/Facebook

“Today has been one filled with emotions. The first place I toured for Shane was very institutional and disappointing. It was the place that had the shortest wait list so I felt like we would have to be ok with it if it came up first.

With the looming storm, I rescheduled my tour for the second place to this afternoon. I cried the entire drive there because the first place was so dismal, but I felt like it may be our only option.

Then, the kindness of the universe from yesterday continued. I fell in love with the second place the minute I saw it. When I walked in, I was greeted by their service dog, Tripp (Shane’s biological brother’s name is Tripp). The school and people I met were amazing. The Director of Admissions shared tears and hugs with me as I told stories of Shane and our family (and she looks a little like Liza Minelli). The greatest thing about all of this is that they expect to have a spot available within two weeks!
Getting ready to leave, I sat in my little roller skate of a car getting the GPS situated and changed the radio station. It stopped on a station called “The Bat” (my daughter’s nickname for me). The song playing was Fleetwood Mac’s (one of my favorite bands ever) “You Make Loving Fun.” It was at the part “I never did believe in miracles but I’ve a feeling it’s time to try.”
I’m an atheist. I do not believe in God for many reasons. I do not care to have a religious debate on FB (or try to be convinced that my logic is flawed) and understand that people believe what they need to in order to make sense of this life. I’m happy that people have things to believe in that bring comfort to them.
Having said all of that, I am at finally at peace with decisions about how to help our sweet boy. Yes, there have been many coincidences. But, “miracles” are wherever you’re looking for them. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt at peace, desperately searching for it. I’ve found it in the last 48 hours starting with Nathan followed by Tripp, Liza Minelli, The Bat, Fleetwood Mac and finally with a shortened waitlist at San Marcos. All of these things may have gone unnoticed if I wasn’t looking for peace. Maybe that’s what miracles are…the universe’s way of saying everything is going to be ok.
When I got back to the hotel, Scott told me that Shane said he’s nervous about starting a new school and being away from us, but says he’s ready to go and knows he needs help…”because I remember when I use to sit in Mommy’s lap when she hugged me and cried happy tears, but now she only cries sad tears.”
My heart is broken. I’m broken. Our family is broken. Our baby boy is broken. I can only hope that after today, Monkey feels a little more at peace, too, now that we have a plan and know where we’re going.
“I never did believe in miracles but I’ve a feeling it’s time to try. I never did believe in magic but I’m beginning to wonder why.”

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