Monthly Archives: November 2018

HOPEless

When speaking of bipolar, someone once said that somewhere between love and hate lies confusion, misunderstanding and desperate hope. I get it. It’s debilitating to see a loved one in the throes of depression, mania and all that goes with it. The confusion. The desperation.

It is with a heavy heart that we have decided it’s time once again to seek a more intensive environment for Shane to try to get a grasp on the bipolar. After weeks of rapid cycling between depression and mania, we feel we have no choice. We’ll be throwing everything together and leaving for Salt Lake City tomorrow for treatment.

If you’re reading this and have been touched personally by severe mental illness, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you have no doubt cried millions of tears feeling helpless as you or your loved one flails. I’m sorry that you’ve ever felt as helpless as I do now. I’m sorry if you’ve ever needed someone who understands and I wasn’t there. I’m sorry that you’ve ever felt as hopeless as I do now.

Hopeless. That’s the worst one. The guilt I feel because I’m so hopeless right now is excruciating. I recently saw a video of an autism mom who talked about the “last time.” The last time she thought things were going to be ok. I get it. I no longer think things will ever be “normal” whatever that is even though I’ve tightly held onto it. Until now. I’m not giving up, but I obviously need to adjust my vision of the future. I’m exhausted. My husband is exhausted. And, as exhausted as we are, I know our boy is even more so. He’s sad to the core. Sad because we’re sad and there’s not a damn thing he can do about it. Or we can do about it. Flailing.

I feel like we’ve tried everything and yet, here we are. Again. At the crossroad of risking financial ruin to get help for our kid because the healthcare system is broken…even with our Cadillac insurance plan. There aren’t many mental health facilities that accept insurance so they expect payment in advance in hopes that insurance will reimburse a portion of the expense to the family. If you’ve ever asked yourself why suicide and gun violence is on the rise, please don’t blame the parents. Blame the system. I guarantee you most parents have begged for help. They haven’t gotten it. It’s not there without a deep enough pocket to travel across the country and pay in excess of $25,000 for just one month. The fact that there are no facilities in a city as big as ours is a disgrace. The fact that mental health facilities don’t accept insurance is a disgrace.

I don’t know who came up with the notion that love conquers all. That’s bullshit. No child is loved more than our boy and we can’t overcome mental illness. All we can do is learn to manage and do our best to give him the tools he’ll need for the rest of his life. It’s not fair. Life is not fair.

I genuinely yearn to find hope again. I know the next few days are going to be some of the most difficult we’ll face as a family. All of us feeling our own sense of failure based on what we feel is our fault. If only we would’ve done this or that. If only we wouldn’t have done this or that. If only we’d handled it differently yesterday, last week, last month, today. If only…