NOTE: These are real. One cannot make this stuff up!
October 2011-December 2011
“I wish I had a job. I wanna be an elf, but I don’t live at the North Pole. I’ll just be a photogidder. Can I be a photogidder like you, Mommy?”
I enjoy photography.
“If Jessie is going away to college, who’s gonna be my sister? Am I gonna get a new one? She’s not gonna live here anymore?!?! Why is she gonna live with a new family? When is she coming back? Why does she wanna be a grown-up?”
So…I have to listen to the Christmas music station at bedtime instead of the Country music station. Seems Mom and Dad didn’t appreciate me singing, “You look soooo damn good!” at the top of my lungs while I was playing outside today.
Pulled up beside a truck tonight. The guy in it had the window down and he was smoking. I rolled my window down and yelled, “STOP SMOKING THAT CIGA-RATE! IT’S GROSS!” I don’t think he heard me. I’ll yell louder next time.
To babysitter: “When are you going to have your baby?” Tiffany: “I’m not pregnant, just fat.” Touché
“Always remember and never forget…Mommy will always love me, no matter what. Mommy, are nipples private?”
In a rare moment of silence and stillness, Mommy asked me what I was thinking about. “I was thinking about that cowboy nutcracker setting on the shelf next to my tree…he has a weapon!”
What do you do when the neighborhood kids won’t get off of your Razor Rip-Rider 360? Run inside, strip down to your underwear, get your zombie baby* and chase them with it. Mission accomplished!
*We had a Halloween party and set up a nursery with clowns and zombie babies. Shane adopted two of the babies…Hungry Harold and Chloe. He used Hungry Harold to hit the neighbor’s kid. They got packed up and put back into storage after Halloween…thank goodness!
“I don’t have an aptitude!! Do I look like I have an aptitude to you?!?”
“DON’T DRINK COFFEE, MOM! IT MAKES YOUR BRAIN SMALL! AND, WINE, BEER AND CAFFEINE! Someone at my school is really smart and they know about brains and they told me. I don’t want your brain to shrink, Mom!”
“I like beer. Why can’t I have beer? I like it. Please, Momma. I’m not old enough? Well, I’ll just have wine and caffeine, instead. I weigh 53 lbs. so I can drink A LOT of caffeine!”
“Hurry up! I’m gonna be late for my meeting with Freddy*! We’re cooking hands for everyone!”
*He also fell in love with Freddy Krueger from the Halloween party.
“Hey! I know that song! It plays on my country radio! It’s the one more drink song. It’s about a man who got the wrong drink, but it’s ok. They solved it. Kids sing at the end of it, Mommy!”
FYI-It’s “One More Drinking Song” and it isn’t kids singing at the end…it’s drunk Mommies and Daddies.
“My weenie dog is lippin’ his licks.”
“Mom, you’d better move that mean clown from the living room and put him in the diamond room (dining room)! He’s gonna kill the zombie babies!”
Don’t worry. There’s plenty more where these came from.