Brave and Bruised

The last six months with Shane at San Marcos have been the longest six months of my life (his, too, no doubt). The first two months at the treatment center were brutal for him. For the first time in his life, he was surrounded by peers. But, not just any peers. Peers who are bruised, hurting and just as fragile as he is. So, in learning how to navigate a brave new world for each of them, they’re doing it in the midst of others hurting the same way they are.

Right from the beginning, Shane met kids who would not tolerate his name calling and physical aggression. They were the same as him and each had triggers to cause them to react as he did and fight back. Although Shane had hit us many times, no one ever hit him back. Although he had verbally abused us and others, no one had ever done it in return. So, it was a rude awakening. A real life consequence when you call someone a name or punch them is that you’re likely to get punched back…hard. In the face. And you get called names. And, it hurts. Physically and emotionally. For the first time in his life, Shane felt what we have felt. He cried. He was angry at us and would go for days just screaming into the phone when we called. We cried. It took him a while to connect the dots, but he is finally doing it. So many things he took for granted were suddenly gone for him…no one was there to coddle him or to assure him that he would be loved no matter what. We couldn’t be there physically. And when he refused to get on the phone, we couldn’t be a calm reassuring voice to him. He was sad to the core as he began to understand how some of his actions and behavior must have affected Scott and I over the years finally became clear. He talked about regret for things he had done for the first time in his life.

For the most part, the staff at the treatment center have been amazing. The nurses seem to care, the unit manager handles any issues immediately and his therapist is a joy to work with. Shane was so mean to her when he first met her, but she persevered and didn’t let that interfere with getting to know him and finding ways to help. He adores her now. She has done some wonderful work with us in family therapy. So very thankful for her.

Nevertheless, there are some staff members at the treatment center who have forgotten why they’re there. They’ve forgotten that they are working at a residential treatment center for kids with emotional and behavioral issues, not at a country club. The decision to work there cannot be taken lightly. You have to have a heart and genuinely care for kids and want to make a positive difference in their lives. They’ve forgotten that these are kids whose parents are at home crying themselves to sleep because they’re 1200 miles away. No good night kisses or cuddles. No bedtime stories or discussions about who’s better, Superman or Spiderman. Or, how did Donald Trump become POTUS. They’re just little kids who have fought every day for their entire lives. Either with others or themselves, their emotions…every single day. Little kids who have felt like a failure a thousand times more than they’ve felt successful. They are bruised, scared, no strangers to the dark. They wouldn’t have made it to a residential treatment center without dire circumstances. Many kids there are foster kids who have never had a stable life. They’ve forgotten that a therapeutic hold is not squeezing a hand too hard, thumping an ear. They’ve forgotten that the kids need to hear kind words and encouragement.  What they don’t ever need to hear is:

  • “Your parents are having a party without you at home.”
  • “You know your parents can ‘unadopt’ you if you don’t stop (insert whatever he’s doing).”
  • “You’re never going home.”
  • “You’re going to end up in jail.”

It is my hope that with each complaint I’ve lodged, the staff who have lost their way have had a chance to re-examine why they’re there. I hope that they have been retrained on the Nurtured Heart Approach which has proven to be a powerful way of awakening the inherent greatness in all children. Gentle, loving, creative, constructive, kindness.

In spite of the negative actions of a few staff members, I would highly recommend San Marcos Treatment Center to those with children who need residential treatment. I realize that no place is perfect. It’s a people business. People take jobs for the wrong reasons. They become jaded and lose sight of the mission. The fact that Administration has listened to each complaint and taken appropriate action speaks volumes about the facility and the staff there. Most genuinely care about the kids and seeing them succeed.

I don’t know how many kids at San Marcos are like Shane with a family who loves and supports them no matter what. I feel sad for those who don’t have what he does. I’ve seen The Greatest Showman twice. I listen to the soundtrack daily. There’s a song called “This Is Me.” It’s beautiful. They’re beautiful in spite of all they’ve faced and had to deal with, they deserve love above all else. This is the message I hope the kids hear as they get help and work through their struggles:

  • “We are warriors.”
  • “I won’t let them break me down to dust. I know that there’s a place for us. For we are glorious.”
  • “I’m marching on to the beat I drum.”
  • “I am brave. I am bruised. I am who I’m meant to be. This is me.”

Take a minute to watch this video. You won’t regret it. I promise.

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