Where Did I Go?

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It’s been years since I’ve blogged here. I always say that when I go back to read about our journey from the beginning. I have to start writing again. So much has happened. So much has changed. I’ve used Facebook to “blog” lately. I’m getting back to basics by starting here again. I’m going to go through the posts that describe where we are now and how we got here. Where did I go? That’s a good place to start and explains the long absence better than anything.

July 1, 2017/Facebook:

“After almost a month of being off of Facebook, I’ve decided to share the reason for my absence in hopes that it may help someone else who’s struggling. Not the most glamorous thing, but I’m trying to remove the stigma of mental illness.

On June 6, I entered a residential treatment center at HopeWay Foundation in Charlotte to help get my depression and anxiety under control. Changes in medication and therapy offered no relief. I was at a point where I didn’t care if I woke up the next morning even though I had absolutely everything to live for. Each night, I wondered how many Ativan tablets I could take and still wake up. I got up to eight at a time. The thought of my family living without me was extremely painful and to be honest was what kept me alive. I didn’t want to leave a trail of devastation. I want to see Shane grow up and find friends, go to college, and find his soulmate and build a wonderful life on his own. I want to see Jessica get married to someone who tells her everyday how beautiful she is and makes her feel as special as Scott makes me feel. I want to celebrate 20 years of marriage to Scott.

On the outside to many, I had it all including confidence. It was a façade. Only a few knew the real struggles I dealt with daily. Shane’s increased aggressive behavior and the mounting pressure of finding a more intensive program for him among other “life” things were pretty much the debilitating blow. For the few months prior to my entering treatment, we’d scoured the country for a residential treatment center/therapeutic boarding school that will help our boy learn to manage his impulse control and anger. The last six months have been filled with physical aggression toward others and major property destruction. We’ve been through six televisions in little more than a year among other things. Watching one of your babies spiraling out of control is one of the most painful things I’ve experienced in life. Each day, he loses a tiny piece of himself and has asked for more help. He’s been getting in excess of 40 hours/week of ABA therapy since he was five. Although it’s helped in many ways, it has not in others. We’re on the waitlist for a program in Greenville, SC and expect for him to start in early fall. It’s a residential program for 9-12 months. We will be finding a place in Greenville to live for 3-4 days/week. He will get to spend every weekend with us, but will be at the facility otherwise. That is going to be the longest year I’ve ever had.

As I continue my journey to learn coping strategies and skills to manage my depression, I will be back home next week, but will remain in an outpatient setting at HopeWay in a three day/week program until I feel strong enough to let go of the constant support. The program has been extremely beneficial and I’m kicking myself for waiting so long to ask for help.

I share this with you guys to help you understand depression and other mental illnesses. It’s indiscriminate. It doesn’t matter how much money you have or what kind of house you live in. It doesn’t matter what kind of car you drive (even though a convertible is good therapy…so is a motorcycle if I had one 😀). It doesn’t matter how much your family loves and supports you. It doesn’t matter if you’re a classic overachiever at work. It doesn’t matter if you pull off the most awesome parties. It doesn’t matter if you have the opportunity to travel. It doesn’t matter how many random acts of kindness you do (even though that offers relief for a while). It doesn’t matter if you’re a size 8 or 14. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t care.

Scott has managed to keep things between the lines in my absence. I know it’s been difficult and I am forever grateful. Shane has managed as well as an 11 year old can and missed his mommy. Jessica has seen her rock falter and let her know that I’m not as strong as I pretend to be. Showing everyone that you’re not the strong confident person you pretend to be is not really something I revel in doing.

Please take what I’ve posted to heart. If you know someone you think may be struggling, talk to them about it. Don’t ignore it. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. I’m an open book. I’ll be happy to share more details of my experience to anyone who wants to know more for personal reasons. Feel free to share with anyone my words may help.

My mantra and reminder of Towanda’s strength is pounded into my head daily…SHE BELIEVED SHE COULD SO SHE DID!”
#depression #mentalillness #neverthelessshepersisted #towanda

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