Monthly Archives: April 2012

I’ve Run Out of Ideas

While I usually try to be funny and entertaining, the last couple of weeks have been especially difficult and full of emotions…inadequacy, anger, sadness among them. If you’re looking for a happy blog about rainbows and unicorns, you should stop reading and go elsewhere. Here’s the problem…I am a self-diagnosed perfectionistic control freak with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, ADD, future member of Overeater’s Anonymous and Lazy Ass Couch Sitter Club. I feel like I’m losing my sense of humor which is probably my strongest coping mechanism. More and more often, I find myself less likely to laugh about things and more likely to cry instead. No clue why (menopause?). I have a birthday coming up which brings me closer to 50 (ouch). I have a daughter who’s is graduating in June and heading to college. I have a little boy who struggles to “make good decisions” at school and at home (no matter how hard he seems to try). Maybe those are reasons. Realizing that things are happening that are beyond my control probably doesn’t help.

My daughter and I are very close. We have a great relationship. One that I wish I had with my mother. Jessica has professed that I’m her best friend (although I think her boyfriend has weasled his way into that spot Smile with tongue out). The realization that she will be leaving home soon is really hitting me hard. It seems like only yesterday that she was dressing up the cat and pushing her around in a stroller or marrying our golden retriever. I’m not ready for the next stage of life and our relationship with her living 3 1/2 hours away. I’d be lying if I said I was ready. I think it’s going to take a long time for me to be ready. I can’t even hear someone ask her about college without welling up in tears (she looks at me everytime waiting for waterworks). But, I know that we have done a good job raising her. She’s a great kid. She’s beautiful inside and out, smart and ambitious. I’m prouder than anybody has a right to be. She’s going to be okay.

Shaney has been struggling at home and at school for a while now. He’s decided that he’s pretty much the “decider” in most things being asked of him. He’s as stubborn as a mule. At school, he sometimes refuses to do his work, stands up in the chairs, turns his desk over, cries, but what gets him into the most trouble there is potty mouth. He insists on yelling out BUTT and STUPID. I’m sure there are others (like the special word he called out when the teacher asked for words beginning with “F”). His teacher came up with the idea of putting tally marks on the white board in class to show him how many times he said inappropriate words to make him more aware. This week, we decided that I would give him two coins each morning. He would be allowed five tallies before having to surrender a coin. If he got into the car at the end of the day and kept one coin, we would do something extra-special. The first day he got in the car with both coins! YAY (computer time)! The second day, two coins! YAY (small toy and DS)! The third day one coin! YEEHAW (computer time and Happy Meal)! The fourth day…no coins! BOO (nothing electronic :/)! No coins would mean that the child stubbornly used ten potty words in a six hour period. To be honest with you, I don’t care if he says BUTT. I’m not particularly fond of STUPID. And STUPID ASS is definitely not cool. But, since there are only three boys in his class who pick up each other’s bad habits and feed off of each other’s energy, I get it.

Last night when I was trying to tuck Shane into bed, he refused to clear his bed of the mountain of toys, pick a book out for us to read and just stop being a jerk, in general. After I asked several times (okay, told him several times), I got no help. So, I said I could not read a story and sing lullabies if he didn’t get ready. That brought the onslaught of tears and a temper tantrum. Once he settled down, I sat on the bed and said, “I’m sorry you’re sad and upset. I’m trying to help you. What can I do to help?” From this adult trapped in a little boy’s body, I hear, “I DON’T KNOW, JANET! I’VE RUN OUT OF IDEAS!” That made me cry…and laugh, he laughed. Maybe, just maybe, my sense of humor is still here. It might be under a layer or two, but it’s there. I think it’s going to be okay.  I’M going to be okay.

You’re Not My Friend!

When you’re a parent, there are days when there isn’t enough wine, chocolate, beer, Xanax in the house to help you not pull every hair out of your head. Days when no matter how hard you try to be patient, nothing works and you turn into a raging lunatic (well, I do, anyway). Days when I am way too hard on myself for not being the perfect parent (whatever the hell that is) which results in crying and feeling worthless. And, when you have a kid who is defiant and has a difficult time with changes, transition and lack of routine, it makes spring break seem like a vacation to Hell.

Several days this week, Shane has had multiple meltdowns and temper tantrums. Let’s brush your teeth and hair…NO! Time to take your medicine…NO! AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME! Time for lunch…I DON’T WANT TO EAT. IF I DON’T WANT TO, I DON’T HAVE TO! Let’s go see a movie…I’M NOT GOING TO SEE A MOVIE! We’re going to the museum…I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE MUSEUM TO SEE THE STARS! Let’s go to Carowinds…I’M NOT RIDING ANYTHING EXCEPT THE SNOOPY MOON, NOT EVEN THE CAROUSEL (he wasn’t lying about that). So, I bargain, praise, bribe, provide positive reinforcement, take away privileges, send him to “the chair” to think while screaming and kicking the wall (him, not me). These are all the methods we’ve been taught to do. And, what’s funny is that Shane’s right. How do you make a six year old get out of “the chair” to finish a task because I’m on a schedule when he’s bound and determined to sit there because it’s not HIS idea to get up? Truth is, I can’t “MAKE HIM IF HE DOESN’T WANT TO.”  And, so it goes…I’M NOT YOU’RE FRIEND! I’M GONNA SAY BAD WORDS! I DON’T WANNA STAY HERE WITH YOU!

This has been the first extended break since Shane started Cyzner Institute in December. When he’s in school, the difference in his behavior is insane. He’s a different child. It’s difficult for me to tell what part is autism and what part is just being a brat at home. Obviously, the routine in the classroom helps him stay in control. This week has made me realize how fortunate we are to have the resources and benefits that are available to us. The fact that he has perfect days when he’s in school let’s me know that the therapy is working. Although we’re working with his teacher, therapists and psychologist to learn ways for us to help him manage his frustrations, this week has taught me that I still have a VERY long way to go with my education. We’re fairly new to the world of autism so are still navigating and finding more information daily to help put it all together. We are a family that’s always been spontaneous…spur of the moment movies, trips, restaurants, amusement parks, etc. I have to come to the realization that as much as I think things can be “normal” (whatever that it is) they’re not going to be. At least, not yet.

When things settle down from each instance of tantrums from a six year old amidst tears and hugs (from me and him), I hear, “I do wanna be your friend, Mommy. I love you. I wanna stay here with you forever and my whole wide life, Momma. You’re my favorite. You’re the best Mommy ever.”

And, at the end of the day when the last line of the lullabies has been sung, I whisper, “Always remember and never forget…” the sweetest, most adorable brown-eyed boy I know chimes in, “that Mommy will always love me, no matter what….even if I’m mean. Right, Momma?” Right, Shaney…no matter what. All is well in the universe. For now, anyway. There’s always tomorrow. Smile

We did figure out a way to ride in the car with the top down this week…put on goggles to block the wind and sun! 🙂