Someone told me tonight that I’m too negative on Facebook and need to be more positive. I feel like I post plenty of positive things, but I’m at a place in my life that seems to be one shit storm after another. I’m angry at the universe. And, while it’s peachy to pretend life is roses, it’s not always and I am honest to a fault. Yes, I have plenty to be thankful for. But, I also have plenty to be sad about as do many people.
I am the mom of a beautiful 12 year old boy who is 3,000 miles away from home receiving treatment for mental illness. They don’t accept insurance. It’s $12,750 every two weeks. He’s been there three weeks and will be there for two more. He will get to come home for Christmas, then will be leaving again for a therapeutic boarding school in Tennessee on January 2. It is expected that he will finish out his education there. Six long years away from home. Struggling without his mom to gently rub his hair while he falls asleep. Or his dad to play video games and tell silly stories. Or to read a bedtime story to him. Or to watch cat videos with. No kisses daily. No hearing his laughter except during our once per week phone call.
Being in a situation where you abruptly feel like you will NEVER get to be the traditional parent again is heartbreaking. But, we’ve tried so hard to set him up for success at home and in the local school. It’s not going to work. He needs more intensive treatment to teach him to learn to navigate a world not built for him. I’m not ready to tell my boy goodbye and slip into the routine of seeing him once per month with three week-long breaks at home throughout the year. It’s like sending a kid away for college except that you have time to prepare for college because you know it’s coming. We are not prepared. It is not what we’ve envisioned for our family and not remotely what we’ve hoped for. I’m sad. I feel like I’m losing my boy and fear that we will lose the love and close relationship we’ve shared for years. He’s sad, but understands that he needs help. I’m angry.
I take plenty of joy in the beautiful things in my life. And, everyday, go out of my way to perform a good deed to spread kindness. Sometimes, I do this for selfish reasons because my heart is breaking and the act of kindness mends it if only for a minute. But, it’d be nice for kindness to come our way during times of heartache, too. It seldom does. Maybe it’s because we put up a strong united front. We have a close knit family and for that I am beyond grateful.
I don’t expect people to know what’s going on and reach out to us. There are a few close friends who are aware of what’s really going on. So, forgive me for being negative. Or don’t. Feel free to unfollow or unfriend me. Or don’t. I’m not going to apologize. Sharing is my therapy. And, it raises awareness for autism, mental health, healthcare and public education.
If you or someone you know share the same struggles, reach out. We can be negative together. And share a bottle of wine or ten.